So here I am, no longer on the fence undecided as to whether I want to be a Christian or not.
I'm not. I' m not quite atheist, because I certainly believe there's some living force way greater than the human spirit as I know. I just don't know how involved that living force/great spirit is with our lives. I don't know if it listens when we talk to it. I don't know yet.
So, now what? At times that I would normally pray, I get that empty feeling, kind of like a hunger, that reminds me I no longer have a specific god by name to pray to. I suppose I should learn to meditate. When I was a Christian, meditating was something like prayer.
Quite frankly, I'm a little scared. The Bible, church attendance, "ministry", and gospel music - along with a matching guilt trip thrown in for no extra charge - were all such a huge part of my identity. Now that I no longer believe in my heart of hearts the things on which all these elements are based, there is a huge chunk of me missing.
Now what?
Now I learn to think for myself. It's hard. I'm scared. But I cannot go back. Or can I? What if the Bible is true and somewhere in my renunciation of the religion of my youth, I've blasphemed the Holy Spirit? Then there is no hope for me in this life or the next.
I have a lot of research to do. I don't even know where to start.
I happened across the Zeitgeist films. Watched those. Great, now I've got even more research to do. Or, as a temporary fix, I can just cling unquestioningly to everything the Zeitgeist/Venus Project folks have to say until I get my bearings and face the real world for myself.
It could be my nicotine patch to help me quit smoking, except this time I'm trying to wean myself from blind-faith-religion addiction.
I don't know. Am sad. Am scared. I almost miss having a god.
